06 May 2009

The Vanishing Man

Dear Belt,

What's the deal? Did you not get the memo? You are supposed to hold my pants up. That's why I bought you. Now, I know you come with a mere five holes, and are only capable of so much, but meet a brother halfway.

When I selected you over all the other belts, it was because you fit the best. Your clasp hit right in the middle, leaving me equal room to grow or shrink.

But lately I've been starting to suspect that you're moonlighting somewhere else. When I hang you in the closet every night you are one length. When I retrieve you the next morning, you seem a bit longer. Are you sneaking out and leading a second life? Do you rush to accident scenes to see if anyone needs to use you as a tourniquet? Are you assisting some swashbuckling actor/actress shimmy up a tree or slide down a cable? Are you helping people pull a Michael Hutchence?

Your third (and middle) hole is now completely ineffectual, and your fourth hole is beginning to slip as well. Be warned that you only have one hole left before I discard you in favor of a smaller and more effective model.

I would just start cutting new holes in you and slicing off your ever-growing end, but according to Dr. Phil, that's really no way to manage a relationship.

Get your shit together or be replaced.



Lorrie Veasey said...

Wow-how funny...my letter to my belt goes a little sumpin like this:

Dear Belt,
You must be shrinking cuz you are getting old; just like Estelle Getty there seems to be less of you each day.

Keep it up and I will have to put you aside for some Mork & Mindy suspenders.

PS. Feed The Kraag


Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

That reminds me. I definitely need to replace my belt. Alas it has grown to small and I too big.

Bj in Dallas said...

you could shred the ends and make it a whip, if you did things like that

le @ thirdontheright said...

show me the photo of the MAN who is the incredable shrinking boxing legend .... onya matey !! you can be my hero - anyone who wins against the belt is a hero to me :) le

Anonymous said...

Bj in Dallas has the right idea, and darn i just threw one away the other day.