21 February 2008

The Early Bird Won't Get Fat

I like to delude myself into believing that humans are continually getting smarter, always building further upon the cumulative knowledge amassed by previous generations to create and even broader and more accessible educational foundation. It is a beautiful lie that I tell myself in order to feel better about the direction that humanity is heading. Amidst the famines, wars, natural disasters and other heartbreaks that grip the world, I can take false solace in the idea that the average IQ must be climbing steadily as time passes.

Then I read things like this:

Hong Kong warns against using worms to lose weight

HONG KONG (AFP) — Hong Kong health officials Tuesday warned would-be slimmers not to consume parasitic worms in an attempt to lose weight following adverts for products containing worm eggs.

A health department spokesman said there was no scientific evidence that infestation with ascaris, a parasitic worm which lives in the intestine, was a way to lose weight.

He warned that worm infestations caused pain, vomiting and diarrhoea and could prove difficult to get rid of.

"Ascaris infestation may also be fatal due to serious complications in human bodies such as intestinal, biliary tract or pancreatic duct obstruction. The worms may invade such organs as the lungs," he said.

"The infestation can be treated with medication that kills the parasite. Surgical removal of the worms may be required in case of obstruction."

The health department said it issued the warning following reports that a product containing worm eggs was being promoted as a slimming aid on a commercial website.

Ascaris is the most common worm infection in humans and is mostly found in tropical areas where sanitation and hygiene are poor. Adult worms can grow to more than 30 centimetres (one foot) long.

Lovely. I don't know what bothers me most; that there are idiots out there who think that weight loss via parasites is a good idea, or that there are buttstains who market this product to other feeble-minded idiots. I suppose I shouldn't be overly concerned with this possibility of people deliberately ingesting parasites. I mean, if you're dumb enough to eat worm eggs, the world is probably throwing WAY larger obstacles in your direction. Between walking upright, trying to earn income, and not choking to death on your own tongue, parasites are the least of your worries.

Still, I'd love to see the packaging for a parasitic weight loss product. Would there be a cuddly tapeworm battling against a vicious-looking wad of cellulite? Would there even be much need for flashy packaging? If you're dumb enough to knowingly eat worm eggs, you'd probably eat them right out of a ziploc bag. A bottle with a child-resistant cap would only confuse and enrage you.

Oh well, I suppose I can always numb out with a warm glass of whiskey…


Against Me! - Pints Of Guinness Make You Strong (Buy here)
Frédéric Chopin - Opus 22:Andante spianato and Grande Polonaise (Buy here)

19 February 2008

Did you ever know that you're my hero...

Meet Spencer. Spencer used to shoot heroin and snort crystal meth. He was so far gone that he was living on the streets, blowing strangers for change. The whole time, Spencer was still a good guy at heart, but he was one of society’s rejects because of his rampant drug abuse. He just couldn’t kick the junk. Then one day, he wandered into Midland Methadone Clinic. Six months later, he had completely quit shooting heroin, and had turned his life around. Midland Methadone Clinic, in conjunction with eating right, exercise, and not using intravenous drugs, changed Spencer’s life. Now Spencer is a hero.

Meet Janet. Janet used to chain smoke more cigarettes than a Denny’s full of drunks. Some times she’d smoke two at a time. She had one of her eardrums removed so she could smoke through her ear-hole. Janet was a dear woman, but society shunned her because she had yellow teeth and smelled like a horse-track. But she just loved her Pall-Malls too much. Then one day Janet found Nic-o-gum-patch, the only nicotine gum that is also a patch. And also maybe it’s a pill too. Within a week, Janet had curbed her cravings. Now that she exercises and eats right and doesn’t inhale burning tobacco, Janet is a new woman. People like her and shit. And it’s all thanks to Nic-o-pill-gum or whatever. Janet is totally a hero. Also, she had her eardrum put back in.

Does this sound plausible to you? Do you feel someone can be a hero because they decided to stop some type of self-destructive behavior?

Apparently Subway has thought so for 10+ years.

Congratulations Jared. You're not only a mindless shill, you're also pretentious. Or at least you're represented that way.

Also I can make a WAY better sandwich for about a quarter of the cost, but that may be beside the point of this particular tirade.

Here's some tracks for ya:
Elvis Costello - Watching The Detectives (Buy Here)
Bon Iver - Skinny Love (Buy Here)

14 February 2008

Just Because You're Paranoid...

Subject: i'm not that paranoid
From: Tim
Date: Fri, Feb 8, 2008 at 7:26 PM
To: Smith, Tubbs, Krëg, Dustin

or, more accurately, i'm not wrong:




Subject: RE: i'm not that paranoid
From: Krëg
Date: Mon, Feb 11, 2008 at 11:50 AM
To: Tim
Cc: Smith, Tubbs, Dustin

Hey man, ads are only effective if you actually BUY shit. Marketing departments have pissed away untold sums trying to get people to buy their crap. I'm not suddenly going to switch to Pepsi because of some algorithm developed by a sexless geek in a Microsoft lab. My eyeballs are connected to my hands (and therefore my wallet) by my BRAIN. Until techie ad gurus figure out how to hack my skull, I'll buy shit just like I always have: based on real need, personal preference, and recommendations of people I trust.
I have always scoffed at the advertising industry, and they haven't shown me anything yet that makes me want to take them seriously. This included.


Subject: RE: i'm not that paranoid
From: Smith
Date: Mon, Feb 11, 2008 at 1:58 PM
To: Krëg
Cc: Tim, Tubbs, Dustin


You've become a bitter and cynical old man. I'm sorry your vote for Huckabee was not counted in the primary. You should consider an angry revolutionary write-in for November. Perhaps Howard Dean will fall off a horse on his way to the Democratic National Convention and to convert to the Republican party, ala Saul and Paul. Then you'll have the appropriate candidate.

Got to go. A pop up just reminded me to get some coffee at Starbucks and I need to buy some chinos at the Gap. Better stop to get a Pepsi along the way. I'll be thirsty long before I get to the mall. Then I have to refinance my mortgage and get some Viagra from an online pharmacy. No time to chit chat.



Subject: RE: i'm not that paranoid
From: Tim
Date: Mon, Feb 11, 2008 at 2:06 PM
To: Smith
Cc: Krëg, Tubbs, Dustin

you're missing the point, but that's ok, because you're both idiots. the
point is not whether or not marketers can convince you that the right
kind of douche will change your life, but that microsoft (among others)
is going to be watching you, both online and off, to gather as much
information about you personally (what websites you go to, what searches
you make, what you buy, what programs you have installed on your
computer) in order to gather "'audience intelligence' -- figuring out
what kind of person the Web user is based on their surfing and searching
habits." or even better, to force your computer to eavesdrop on you:
"Another used speech recognition to make a transcript of a video, then
served up ads -- in the demonstration, they were text links -- alongside
the video. As the topics discussed on screen changed, so did the ads."



Subject: RE: i'm not that paranoid
From: Krëg
Date: Mon, Feb 11, 2008 at 4:43 PM
To: Tim
Cc: Smith, Tubbs, Dustin

No, I'm not missing the point. But as always, I concede I may be an idiot.

My DSL/Cable modem provider could easily serve up a list of what sites I visit.

My bank could create a dossier about what I regularly purchase (mostly cigarettes, booze, and jalapeño sausage rolls...in that order).

Microsoft or Dell or one of the many spyware programs that Norton hasn't picked up and I'm too stupid to notice could probably report in detail about what is installed on my computer.

I just don't give a shit what people know about me. Let's say that I spend six hours per day browsing for homo-erotic goat porn, or maybe for geriatric snuff porn (or Kevorkian porn, if you follow me). Let's just say that. In theory or whatever. Microsoft or Dell or AT&T or COX or whomever is going to have a great time trying to find advertisement tie-ins to match my tastes. They'll probably kick out ads for goat cheese and Geritol.

And when SuperSneakyTrojanSpy finally reports to someone that I have an unlicensed and hacked copy of Digital Anus Simulator installed illegally, I probably won't even notice. What's someone going to do, blackmail me? "I'm going to tell the world that you spank it to pictures of cocktail shrimp covered in feces while running Digital Anus Simulator!" Knock yourself out, chief. I'm not running for congress or anything, and I'm really not that repressed anymore. And I'm not going to act like I have a lot of pride or dignity. Because if I did, I wouldn't be visiting webpages where men and women cover their gentials in peanut butter to entice ducks to wrench them in their bills. Or at least I wouldn't get off on it.

Are you worried that Microsoft may report about your behavior and habits? To whom? And why? I got news for you, out of the 301 million Americans, your "odd" habits and fetishes probably rate you a ranking somewhere in the middle. You're not a Mormon, and you're also not a dead marmot rapist.

Finally, I hate to burst your bubble, but agencies have been collecting information about you and all your fellow citizens for a few decades now. Check out a company called Acxiom. Granted, Acxiom has of late fallen on hard times, but they aren't the only player in the industry.






Here's some tracks for ya...

Beastie Boys (Soul Assassin Remix) - So Whatcha Want (buy here)

Eric Bachmann - Genie, Genie (buy here)

06 February 2008


Roast Beef +
French Roll +
Dijon Mustard +
Egg +
Worcestershire Sauce +
Mayo +
Lettuce +
Onion +
Tomato +
Swiss +
Bad-assed sammich. And bourbon.
Oh, and a couple of pickles.

I love dinner.