06 August 2009

No Stone Unturned...

And no turn unstoned.

I like to tell myself that I'd be willing to try anything at least once. Hang gliding, surfing, donating to charity, skydiving, voting Green Party, typing with my nose, oor unmjprotwecvtedf bjvusttrsetx wuithj strr4ipp4ers; I'll give it a shot at least once. "I'll seek adventure in ANY corner," I cheerfully tell myself, often while enthusiastically seated on the couch in my underwear.

Even still, every so often I find something like Twitter or haggis that instantly repulses me, something I can honestly say I have no desire to try even once. I generally find myself shocked that someone else not only wanted to try it, but often would do it repeatedly. To boot, these people are doing it without being threatened or compensated. My feeble mind boggles.

Such is the case with people who put massive amounts of bees on their bare flesh.

Be it camping, picnicking, fishing, or flipping on my kitchen light after three in the morning, I've been around many bugs before in many various settings. I can't say that I remember bugs contributing anything positive to any of those moments, although admittedly I get pretty drunk every time I go fishing, and I often black out for a while. I suppose bugs could do something awesome while I am passed out and silently crapping my pants.

I will grant that honey is a pretty cool by-product of bee colonies. Apparently due to bacteria's inability to grow inside of it, some honey has a shelf life of a few thousand years. Furthering honey's coolness, ancient Egyptians applied it to open wounds as an amazingly effective antibiotic ointment. Also, with the right mixture of honey, water, and brewer's yeast, you can make a mead with an alcohol content higher than Nick Nolte. Finally, it is a great way to spice up the bedroom, if you catch my meaning. So honey is pretty awesome.

But bees are not. Bees are crawly, stingy, fly-y insects. Plus, some breeds enjoy randomly killing anything that crosses their path. They're kind of dicks that way.

I understand that some bees (including the honeybee) are important to plant pollination. They fill a niche in the ecosystem that can't be synthesized. So without specifically admitting that bees are cool, I can admit that they are necessary, and see why scientists were concerned when large bee populations unexpectedly died or vanished over the past few years.

Still, I've been trying to comprehend the compulsion to cover oneself with them. I've had a June bug or two land on me in my lifetime, and I can't say that the sensation of their creepy legs gripping at my skin was anything remotely pleasant, much less enjoyable. I can't image wanting to magnify that sensation by a few thousand.

But some people do. Probably because they are clinically insane.

Speaking of clinically insane, now I'd like to take a few minutes and caption pictures of people covered in bees:

"I was going to wear a helmet, but I figured if I fell over I was a dead man anyway..."

Dave was only two swallows into his drink when he began to suspect someone had switched his Newcastle for raw nectar.

"No operator, its still there. It's more like a low-pitched buzzing noise. Are technicians working on the lines?"

At hookups.com your first five matches are free. Even so, they'll all be horrible disappointments.

Head & Shoulders new Spring Pollen scented shampoo is a bit TOO effective.

Dear Mom and Dad: Lake Chapananus Summer Camp sucks rodent dongs. Next year I'd rather stay home and take stupid violin lessons.

Look dear, all I'm saying is that maybe you should get out of the house more. You know, try to be more active. Go for a walk or hang out with your friends.

"And then I said, 'Five Dollars for nose plugs?!? What, do I look like a total pussy? Kiss my ass!' Then the guy behind the counter gave me the finger."

After seeing the photos, the judge wasted no time granting Ichiko an annulment.

Karl learns the hard way why you should never play the note Bbmin diminished when outdoors.

And why only bees? Is it because they are the only insect humans deliberately cultivate? Why don't I ever see some guy with a beard of cockroaches, or some chick covered in a seething mass of fleas (who isn't a self-proclaimed "free-spirited hippie from Oregon")?
Patience, ladybugs... Your day will come.

In conclusion:

1) Bees are not to be worn in place of or in addition to clothing.

2) I'm proud of myself for not using a SINGLE bee pun in this entire post.

3) Typing with my nose was more difficult and painful than I suspected.

1 comment:

ZDub said...

Gah, this is the creepiest thing on the internet!