17 June 2009

Manly Grooming Tips

Dear Krëg,

Being a man, I'm not sure how effeminate it is to show concern for grooming my nails. Can you advise me on the proper way to make sure my hands and feet always look their best?


Fic Tishuss

Dear Fic,

No. I honestly have no earthly idea what you're talking about. Like the ten-penny galvanized nails I keep in my toolbelt? They're galvanized, so they're permanently "groomed".

The best way to make sure your hands and feet look their best is to make sure you look as manly as possible by always holding one of the following
in at least one of your hands: Beer, pistol, your own cock, cheeseburger, still-beating heart, Zeus's lightning, tit (or 'tits' if you have a huge hand ... or small tits), someone's fate, steak, circular saw, claw hammer, or guitar.

It occurred to me that you might be seeking grooming tips for fingernails or toenails. But that seemed like a sissified question, since the fickle public's fascination with the "metrosexual" fad has long ago evaporated from society's collective consciousness, like so much piss from the top of a hot desert rock. Real guys have reverted back to the time-honored tradition of not giving a shit about things like "products" and "grooming", if they ever pretended to care at all.

Even so Fic, here are a few quick manly grooming tips for your finger/toenails...

1) Bite your damn fingernails off and spit them out, like the rest of us men. Preferably spit them someplace awesome like a NASCAR track or your buddy's bowl of chili or some snooty prime minister's face. Or
, if you're truly uninspired, just spit them onto the filthy floor of your poorly-lit dwelling like you always do.

2) Toenails do not need to be trimmed. At least not in the traditional sense. A really macho man will find the most studly way possible to control the length of his toenails. My personal preference is to use furniture to this end. See, first you put a piece of heavy furniture in an unexpected place. If you can't do it yourself, have one of your dogs do it when you aren't looking. Put their bed near said heavy home furnishing, and let them kick it around in their sleep. Then, early one morning, you can reduce your field of vision by carrying a basket of laundry back to your bedroom. This will help you to not notice your relocated furniture, so you won't alter your stride or direction in any way. Now deftly smash at least two of your toes into the leg of said furniture. If you get the angle just right, at least ONE of your toenails should shatter, greatly reducing its length while simultaneously exposing tender nail bed.

See? You don't need expensive pedicures or nail care equipment. Just a chair leg.

That image above is what flew off from the piggy that "stayed home" with just one simple treatment of blunt force chair leg trauma. Glorious. You really can't get results that close with traditional methods.

It takes a fair degree of mastery before you'll be getting the results you want, such as also knocking "roast beef" into "had none", and flaying "had none" with "roast beef's" disgustingly long nail.

Click that photo to remove the band aids and show the wounded toes covered in Neosporin, dog hair, and band aid goo. Mmm. Foot close-up!

But just stick with it, and you'll be proficient in no time flat.
Soon, you'll be able to trim the nails off of all ten toes in a matter of minutes, using nothing more than ordinary household objects.

3) Men who are married, engaged, or have been "dating" the same woman for more than three months should disregard these instructions and instead refer to the handbook that their significant other gave them in trade for their own free will.

Good luck Fic!


Man Man - Top Drawer

Shivaree - Don't Stop Till Ya Get Enough


Debbie said...

Ummm, it isn't just the "free will" we make them trade in.

tjames said...

ha ha ha ha

Thanks for the giggle

Miss Thystle said...

that was a damn long toenail. You should paint manly things on them. Like the number of your favorite NASCAR driver, for example.

Bj in Dallas said...

Lorrie said it turns her on to see a man getting a mani and pedi, and I think its a pretty good idea too. At least a pedi.
I'm just saying.

paint the nascar number on your ass.

Lorrie Veasey said...

Ewww Kreg. Just Eww. I wish you had used your considerable technical skills to allow me to click that photo and see that other LONG TOENAIL properly shorn and perhaps buffed to a slight shine.


I can only imagine what laying beside you in bed must have been like.

Wait-scratch that.

le @ thirdontheright said...

omg how do you do that photo click thing - I'm going to have nightmares - I thought you were just jossing ... joking - you are a man of many talents :) le xo