29 October 2008

Boo!

The advances in halloween costumes over the past handful of decades is nothing short of remarkable. A century ago, I image most costumes had to be hand made, and few children were clamoring for Spiderman and Joker outfits, as pop-culture fame is not retroactive. These days, Wal-Mart has entire aisles stocked with lowest-common-denominator costumes for those too lazy/busy/uncreative enough to create their own. But even the most creative and difficult costumes don't have a patch on the "creepy factor" of the garb of yesteryear.

I defy you to make something this scary at home:

And even if you could put something like this together, would any child today actually WEAR it? "Dead eye" masks and depression-era clothing aren't very cutting edge. I think most kids go for a "cool" factor when picking out a costume. I don't think the "make an adult involuntarily shit himself" factor is such a large concern.

Kids are missing out on some possible fun they could have at the expense of adults. Imagine for a moment:

You open your front door after the doorbell rings. Instead of the ghosts and princesses and ninjas and spidermen you've been seeing all night, there stand two depression-era waifs wearing dead-eye masks.

"Hey, guys! What are you supposed to be?" you ask.

They don't respond, but instead start swaying slowly back and forth, rocking from foot to foot.

"Well, would you like some candy to ..."

Midway through pawing through your candy bowl, you trail off as you realize that they don't have sacks or buckets or pillow-cases to put candy in. You peer out into the blackness behind them, looking in vain for their parents. Leaves blow down the street.

"Uh, some candy...uh, trick-or-treat?" you trail off, trying to cling to your sanity.

From behind the mask, the little girl starts making some strange, cricket-like clicking noise. The little boy hums something that sounds vaguely like a nursery rhyme. The clicking stops, replaced by the repeated whispering of the word "trick".

You lose your shit, and slam the door screaming.

See THAT'S how I'd fuck with adults if I was a kid.

3 comments:

SOMETHING HAPPENED SOMEWHERE TURNING said...

That is awesome! And I am in tears totally laughing my ass off. If I was a kid again I would do this one. I would part with the candy just to play the role.

zakary said...

Kreg, you are freaky weird.

Lorrie Veasey said...

If you came to my door I would give you a handful of condiments. He who laughs last is the one who dispenses the ketchup packets.