30 September 2008

Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention

Drunkenness is the mother fucker of invention.

What to do when you want a Black & Tan, but don't have any Harp (or Bass, if you don't know what you're doing)? Well, instead of pouring an Irish stout over an Irish ale, you pour your can of Guinness over a redneck original.

I give you ... The Black & White Trash:


Now, to properly float the Guinness atop the PBR (or whatever other sub-par, NASCAR "beer" you happen to have on hand), you'll need a pouring spoon. Ordinarily, I'd recommend using a cigarette lighter and a plastic spork to fashion an implement suitable for the "white trash" half of the drink, but since it will be the Guinness and not the piss-water beer that will be poured over the spoon, decorum permits using a non-plastic utensil.

Here is a great example:

Now, the great thing about this particular spoon is the way that it could still be used to eat a medium-sized bowl of bachelor gruel without any additional major modifications. Hell, I wouldn't even need to rinse it off before I tucked into a bowl of chili.

..............................................

In my infinite drunken genius, I have come up with the perfect slogan for Pabst Blue Ribbon:

"Must be the Pabst".

It could be used in almost any incarnation of media advertisement, but I think this slogan MUST be whispered if it makes it to radio or television (obviously whispering wouldn't work in print). I feel that it has more impact that way.

"Why am I having such a great time tonight?" ... "Must be the Pabst."

"Why are all these beautiful ladies looking at me?" ... "Must be the Pabst."

"How did I manage to take a shit on the sheets while I was sleeping?" ... "Must be the Pabst."

"Why did I get a tattoo of John Wayne on my inner thigh?" ... "Must be the Pabst."

"How could I have forgotten to pay my rent?" ... "Must be the Pabst."



Why am I writing ignorant blog posts?
...

...
You guessed it.

6 comments:

zakary said...

LOLOLOLOLLOLOL!!!!!

That's hands down the funniest shit I have read in a long time!

"Why does my ex-husband prefer peen now? MUST be the Pabst!"

Lorrie Veasey said...

You lost me at beer.

Is that that stuff that is usually yellow and smells a bit like piss?

TEAM PINOT GRIGIO.

zakary said...

Last night, I drank Zenato Pinot Grigio and Jeff drank Miller Lite with our dinner, which happened to be BEER CHEESE SOUP.

My brain was so confused.

TEAM ALCOHOL!

Krëg said...

Wait... Beer is piss, but a WHITE wine that is four days away from being vinegar is totally cool? I'm not tracking that logic. Cabernet sauvignon is the way to go for fermented grapes. Pinot noir is also acceptable.

TEAM PAINT THINNER!

zakary said...

I prefer a nice Syrah over Cabernet, but that's just me.

TEAM GASOLINE!

zakary said...

Oh! I forgot to tell you I entered you in a contest over at Lorrie's blog.

Go enter me and I will be friends with you.