14 May 2010

Through Rain Or Sleet Or Dark Of Night...

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Have You Ever Seen The Rain

[Most of the images below were taken Monday evening in the vicinity of Oklahoma City.  The last few were from the Tulsa area on Thursday morning.  Pretty much every last one was used without permission.  Suck it.]

I've heard it mentioned that people in fly-over-country tend to talk about the weather with greater frequency than expected.  Most often, it is just a way to idly pass the time.  Other times, (as with my uncle, a farmer and rancher) the weather is a topic that directly affects livelihood, and so is a subject of extreme importance.

Occasionally, we talk about the weather because it just got done kicking our collective ass.

In case it didn't make the news in your area (and I don't see why it would), we're had some hazardous weather around these parts as of late, and it's been tearing things up like Roethlisberger tears up his victims dates.

Tornadoes, lightning, torrential rains, hail...  Mother Nature has been piling it on.

Even the home of the Sooners, the "Never Hit By A Tornado" town of Norman, got in on the action for once.

But honestly, it's really nothing new for this area, just part and parcel of living in this state this time of year.

"Yeah, uh, gimme a pick-six lotto scratcher and a carton of Kool menthols...  Wait...  Something's different about this place..."

The Chicken Little meteorologists predicted this rough weather almost a day in advance, promising us all that we would die horrible, weather-realted deaths, and giving everyone ample time to feel as panicked as possible.  The Monday morning newspaper actually reported that tornadoes and baseball sized hail were likely in the afternoon and evening.  Not bad, considering they went to press sixteen hours before their predictions proved true.
...   ...   ...   ...

Wednesday evening, local meteorologists were back at it again.  To paraphrase their predictions: "Shits gonna get freaky overnight, fool!  Only this time, it'll be all up in your face, yo!  Best cover your ass!"

At roughly five yesterday morning, I awoke to the sound what appeared to be static coming from the world's largest TV.  My girlfriend and I had left the windows open and the attic fan on through the night, since it was pleasantly cool outside.  It turns out that the "static" noise was from the massive downpour unfolding over town.  The attic fan had pulled some of the moisture in through the window and on to my leg, probably contributing to my "non-asleep" condition. 

As I got up to close the window and switch off the fan, sirens began blaring through the wet morning air.

"Turn on the TV.  The weather," my girl groggily advised.

"Mrghph.  Guzzunh.  [cough]  Yeah," I replied sexily, looking for all the world like a sexy cross between Antonio Banderas and some other guy women think is sexy at five in the morning.  I don't know.  Brad Dourif, maybe?  Yeah, women are probably into him.

"Wow!  You looked sexier than Brad Dourif there for a second!" my girl exclaimed, barely able to contain her excitement and lust.

"I know, baby," I coyly responded over the blaring emergency sirens. "What's that, you say?"

"I said 'quit staring at the goddamn wall and turn on the television!'" my woman said ever-so-sweetly.

On-air panic permeated every local channel, each station more alarmed and less coherent than the one before.  On one station, I watched bright purple flashes dominate the footage from their "sky-cam" as the weatherperson observed that "at least we aren't noticing any of the bright purple flashes associated with high winds or tornado damage."  Fucking brilliant, guy.  Are you looking at the screen, or your lap?

"They don't know what the hell is going on."

"Yeah I know."

"Turn it off and let's go back to bed."

"Yeah, seems like it will be fine."

Nothing happened in my neighborhood.  We both got another hour of blissful sleep while the storm mercilessly ripped apart other parts of town.

Sometimes you just get lucky.

It warms my heart to know that no matter WHAT the weather has in store for anyone, any time, anywhere, I can still play an awesome prank on friends or strangers by mailing them live chickens or bees.  

U.S. Postal Service Special Handling

"Oh, I wonder what Krëg sent me for my birthd...   FUCK!  BEES!"
...   ...   ...   ...

And speaking of weird shit in the mail, I rode up a few stories on an elevator today with a FedEx guy.  I was going to deposit my tax returns (I use old-school snail mail for my returns), and was pretending not to listen to the conversation between Mr. FedEx and another passenger on the elevator.  The passenger had noticed the deliveryman carrying an odd shaped canister, and made the mistake of inquiring as to its nature.

"Well, some people breed horses," said the man in uniform.

"But... I don't understand.  Why the funny canister?" asked the banker.

"It's to keep the contents cool."

"Huh?" queried the suit.

"Horse sperm.  I'm delivering horse sperm."

I think I'm changing banks.

I can't believe THIS exists. More to the point, I can't believe I didn't think of it first.


Lorrie Veasey said...

yes. well. hmm. Such a long blog post...so much to comment on.


Lorrie Veasey said...

Is it BJ?

le@thirdontheright said...

ewwww ... come on now ... what happen to the good ole fashioned home remedy of prawn heads in the curtain rods .... that only costs about $5.50 ... and you have the pride in it being DIY ... hugs from a non crabby source le xox