06 January 2010

Life Is About Learning

...And this past week I learned a valuable lesson: Sometimes it is best to listen to your friends.

When my friends initially told me not to watch pornography on a high-def screen, I thought they were just being cowards. "Surely," I thought to myself, "clearer, crisper picture will make ANY viewing experience better. Especially naked women being hammered by hairy trolls with horse-cocks." And I never stopped to consider that perhaps my friends were speaking from experience; that maybe they were trying to share their wisdom and spare my anguish. If I had only taken a moment to look into the frightened and bewildered eyes of my friends as they tried to warn me...

What a fool I was.

In stage and television, the fourth wall is ever-present. Some productions will poke at the fourth wall for humorous effect, but most have the good sense not to disturb the magic with which they've enchanted their audiences. High-def is making this more difficult, as the realism of the images get ever-closer to their real-world equivalents. And while high-def may be cool for some entertainment like Austin City Limits or CSI: Miami, it is less so for sweaty favorites like Justin's Titty Limits or CSI: MyAnus. As the fourth wall begins to fall away, never have I so deeply longed for a piece of glass to separate me from the greasy action. I didn't realize how safe it made me feel.

Imagine an entire person's body that looked like Edward James Olmos's face. Now image that person locked in coitus and writhing. NOT hot. Now imagine that they look SO real, that you could swear they were in the room with you. Seriously, I spent about 75% of my brain being teased and stimulated by the porno, and the other 25% wondering if the high-def images might somehow be giving my coffee table some hyper-virulant strain of herpes. (Okay, maybe it was more like 98% to 2%, but that is STILL too much "non-porn" thinking to be doing while watching porn)

If this story has a moral (and it DOESN'T, I promise), it is this: High-def pornography - Don't do it.

Happy 2010 to all of my friends and loved ones! And to you too!


Lorrie Veasey said...

Good To know. Filing this away in the part of my brain that can only be accessed if I am submitted to waterboard totrture.

Happy New Year!!

Bj in Dallas said...


Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

you're not smart. sorry for your luck.