11 November 2005

You Say Potato

So as I sit here picking the last of my lunch out of my teeth, I realize I can't deny one inescapable fact: Tater tots are the most ass-rocking side item in the history of all supplemental foodstuffs.

To compound the naturally inherent “hell-yeah!” factor present in all tater tots, they attain their uber-status despite all contrary aesthetic evidence. Let’s be frank here…a tater tot looks like someone has already chewed a bite of potato a few times and then mashed the bits into a shot glass before deep frying it. Visually, tater tots are almost as horrid as the time I accidentally saw my friend’s grandma naked (true story, but off-topic). But their full-tilt taste eradicates any and all negative facets attributed to their looks. Kinda like an ugly girl that puts out. Only with more ketchup.

Fries can get soggier than a porn star’s panties (you know, assuming porn stars actually wore panties) when cooked improperly. When cooked for too long, fries become stiff and crunchy and would make for suitable pongee-pit lining (as long as you shit on them first). No matter how they are cooked, tater tots are almost impossible to ruin, and for some inexplicable reason (inexplicable because science and math are involved), they stay hot much longer than their French-fried-potato counterparts. I have heard it told that some places offer side-salads or chili as available side items, but I’ve never ordered them with my burger, as I am neither a weight-obsessed woman nor a cowboy. So by default, tater tots are better than them as well.

Tater tots also have the honor of being a euphemism for hairy grapes. You know, love plums. Nuts. Balls. You get the idea. “She kneed me in my tater tots!” one could utter without feeling too self-conscious. One could not deliver a line like “Smack him in the fries with a pool-cue” with the same aplomb. And honestly, “That greasy midget just sucker-punched me in the side-salad,” sounds downright retarded. Think I’m wrong?
Suck my hot apple pie.

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