I Am Just A Poor Boy...

So down in the belt post, one of your fellow readers, Le, requested photos showing what eight months of boxing "training" does to the physique. Being the unabashed exhibitionist that I am, it was no mean feat to oblige.

Pictured: bizarre, "unexplainable" white stains on my shirt.
Not pictured: marriage gut.

Although it requires at least two people, the workout is brutally simple:
* Multiple sets of multiple reps on the ab wheel counter balanced by push ups.
* Three minutes of jumping (weighted) rope non-stop.
* Catch your breath while wrapping your hands/wrists.
* One person straps on a set of gloves, after helping the other person into the body armor and mitts.
* Three minutes of punching fury for the person wearing gloves. The person in the mitts and armor calls out the punch combinations, trying to break the will of the person in the gloves by varying the calls in the most excruciating way possible (my personal favorite is the left head jab, left body hook, right uppercut, left head hook, straight right head, straight right body).
* One minute of rest.
* Three minutes of punching.
* One minute rest.
* Three minutes of punching.
* Switch body armor and mitts for gloves and repeat for another eleven minutes.
* Go to local English pub to eat bangers and drink Fullers.

While the punching is most assuredly tiring on the arms and shoulders, wearing the armor and mitts is no picnic either. The armor only mitigates about half of the punching force (and that's why the ab wheel is important), and I actually had a gut bruise the first time I wore it. Holding out the mitts can be brutal as well. If you'd like to get an idea how it feels, stand up and hold your arms out in front of you like a zombie, then bend them at the elbow so your hands are pointed at the ceiling. Hold a soda can in each hand while you do it. Oh, and do it for a total of nine minutes, only taking two short breaks in between. Then try and throw punches for another nine minutes (or vice versa).

Being an uncoordinated goober, it took me about an month and a half to figure out how to throw a punch without falling on my ass, and another two months to figure out how to get power behind my punches. But the nice thing is, even though my form was awful for the first three and a half months, I was actually having fun the very first time I tried it. And it immediately kicked my ass. I can't say the same for most other exercise regimens I've tried.

I've had a few jackass friends ask me if I've considered trying my hand at actual sparring or even full-fledged boxing. Once I stop laughing, I tell them that getting hit in the face and head a few times makes a person a bit uglier, and multiple times a lot uglier. Get hit in the head for years and odds are good you will suffer neurological damage. But just pound the mitts and armor in your buddy's garage, and you might gain some balance while erasing the six-to-eight years of chub that marriage piled on to your midsection.

Additionally, you can (and I did) pick up an ab wheel and jump rope for less than thirty bucks to keep after it on the in between days.


And if I ever need to, I can apparently hit a few rounds on the heavy bags underneath my eyes.

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Two Old Dudes That Still Kick Ass - The Boxer